Getting over the death of my father has not been an easy ordeal. Those of you not wanting to deal with the downs, you may leave.
I'm riding a constant rollercoaster of emotions, I try my best not to express it around my friends, but as of late it's been more and more difficult, it's gotten to the point I've secluded myself from everyone other than the friends I have online.
I've been reliving my father's last hours in the hostel. It's been nothing short of torture, and I wish this ended. The pain is constant, if I don't take my mind off the matter with other things like games or talking to people then I remember it.
When he died, I've been numb. It's like another day, a defensive mechanism probably. But now I'm really starting to feel it, he's gone, every time I hear a sad song, sad music, or when I'm doing nothing, I remember him. The man who I though was invincible is gone, from two years ago me working side by side with him living heavy metal, to me carrying his body down the church isle. The pain I'm enduring now is nothing short of excruciating and tears at my mind constantly.
As a result in this, I'm not doing so hot in school. I'm constantly stressed out and I find respite only in games, talking to people in teamspeak and mumble. Anything to take my mind off the matter.
He's gone. The man who I loved, looked up to, and strive to make proud is dead. I miss him every waking hour.
Thank you for reading this, I needed to vent my emotions. I'll be seeing a counselor soon.
This is all I have to say, I won't have a conversation with you over this matter as I don't feel like talking about it.
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And so, the shell is cracking.
Blog entry posted by Clam Chowder, Nov 3, 2014.