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I feel like shit

Blog entry posted by Korean, Mar 13, 2013.

Korean
So for the past couple of months now I been feeling depressed and been feeling like shit which is why you don't see me on all the time like I used to. But now it just seem like I hit the rock bottom and I feel like giving up on a lot of things ( Not suicide serious or anything just hobbies and such ).

After I went to school I moved closer to the school and by doing that I cut off from all my friends I made back at my high school and that made me quite lonely since I'm the type of guy that cant make friends easy. So I just sit at home and play games since that is really my only type of social interactions.

I do have a girlfriend that trys to help me out but lately it seems like shes even giving up on me since my mood changes drastically throughout the day. One minute I feel fine and happy and then the next minute I just hate the world and become sad.

I just made the decision to drop college since my grades have been suffering from this since I don't feel like doing anything school work related and just want to do things for myself.

I also finally told my dad about this and told me to get my a doctor appointment since getting help would be good for me but even then I don't think he understands my situation a lot.

I just been lonely and I have no one to really connect to, even my girlfriend cant understand me that much right now.

I just cant help but feel worthless :/

I hate doing it but the only sure way for me to feel good is taking my left over painkillers that I got from my knee surgery a while back but I really dislike doing that since I know I'm not really suppose to do that. Even know im writing this while on them.

I know I have some good friends I can talk to but I don't know....I just beginning to feel nothing....just no emotion at all and even though I know there trying to help me I just can't get happy

Also excuse my bad grammar or spelling and such English was never one of my strong areas

so.....ya :/
sajak likes this.
  1. sajak
    Well, when you post in blogs, people don't get notified that the blog has been updated. Wish that was the case. But anyways, glad that you are doing well bro. :grin: I'm trying really hard to stay away from meds, I just believe the problem is somewhere with me. I want to find it first, even if it takes more time.

    But I'm positive once your ex-gf sees the new you, which was the old you she fell in love with, she won't have any doubts. She'll get back with you, don't let it bug you. Take it slow and enjoy the ride :wink:
  2. Korean
    I dont know if anyone is still reading this but ill just do a update anyways

    I been doing ALOT better then I was doing before and it really was thanks to my meds that im on

    I feel more alive and happier then I have ever been in a long time.

    Sadly before I took my meds tho my girlfriend broke up with me since I had the biggest mood swings ever and she couldnt put up with me anymore

    and the side affect of starting the drug almost made me take the rest of my pain killers in one go but luckly I held on that day and its just been uphill since then

    Anyways im slowly turning back into my old self and im beginning to hang out with my now ex-girlfriend since theres a chance we might get back together if I turn back into the person she fell in love with the first time

    and if not well life goes on I suppose

    Anyways thanks for the support and I hope your guys problems get better someday to
    Warpkill and PeNguiN like this.
  3. Korean
    So I just went to the doctor and they prescribe me meds and we are looking for some type of therapy for me now

    Turns out this most likely got passed down from my mom to me so I was fucked up to begin with and some trigger made it worse

    I just hope everything works...
  4. sajak
    Sorry if this turns into a rant... But iProbie, that's exactly how I am. I'm an introvert and I like my isolation. I'm super picky about my friends which is why I have none except for one or possibly two. True friends only surface when you have nothing to offer them yet they still stay with you after you give them shit. They stay with you through the ups and downs, they listen to what you have to say and pass any tests you throw at them. I once thought I had this kind of friend until today, and now I'm super fucking depressed. It's going to be hard losing her because she made me happy to be me. She made my day so much better by just speaking to me about small things. I don't know... what can you do? Life is short, true friends are fewer. It takes tough skin to push through when you have no one to speak to, no one to lean on, no one to vent your anger out to, no one to call a friend. I'm going through this now and it's really getting to me. I'm sad, down, just feeling real sluggish. I guess I should find comfort in knowing I won't be screwed by people that I trust since I practically have no one. I find solace in my loneliness but the fact is... I want friends, I hate the loneliness, the boredom, the depression that comes and goes, no one to hug when I've had a rough day.... But I don't want friends that will backstab me down the road. It's a confusing feeling but I guess everything happens for a reason, right?

    Anathema, I don't know about meds. There are those who need clinical help and those who are depressed because of their own situation. I think Korean, iProbie, and myself are people who have made their own bubble and their own high expectations. We push people away that don't fit our ideals, our morals, our ethics, our standards. We're paranoid about disturbing the world we inhabit, paranoid about being hurt by people we might say we love. The girl that I pushed away today that I called my good friend... God did I love her. But there were just certain things about her that I just didn't want to deal with because I felt they would hurt me down the road. I don't know what I'm getting at. All I'm saying is that medications are not always the answer when we know exactly why we're depressed and feeling like shit. It just feels like the world hates us an all the odds are against us. We hate what we do for work, we hate the people we're around, we hate the boredom we create, the nights we cry to let our pain and frustrations out. We search for reasons to live because everything points in the other direction. I know there are reasons to live, people out there that can be potentially the best friends you've been looking for, places in the world that will melt your heart. Life is precious, but it's hard to think like that when you feel like shit.

    I find comfort in the fact that there are other people like me, even in this community, who are going through the same things. I've embraced the fact that I know the reason why I'm going through this depression... I just need it to change one day. It will eventually come, and I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
  5. iProbie
    If this makes you feel better: A wise classmate from my class back in high school said that school friends are never truly friends. Once you grow up and live your lives apart, these high school friends will be your competition in the inevitable world of working and make a living for yourself. True friends are hard to find because most people are selfish naturally and so they will sacrifice/abuse/utilize your happiness,wealth or knowledge for their own gains. True friends can only be found by extreme testing (e.g. testing a friend's love and loyalty to you in extreme cases)

    For me that made sense for a bit. That might sound stupid and crazy but there's some truth in it I suppose.

    I can't help much since I'm an introvert and I somehow quite like my real-life loneliness because I want to do things my way (at least irl) and I somehow agree with my former-classmate said, I only make friends irl if they can give me something in return... (sounds fucked up)
    Warpkill, Ghost and sajak like this.
  6. Anathema
    Possibly look into seeing a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist. A good psychologist can figure you out and make behavioral adjustments, but they can't prescribe meds. Psychiatrists are basically psychologists, the only difference is they have to go to medical school, which gives them the ability to prescribe medications. I found out that (and I'm sure most medical professionals would agree) medicinal therapy combined with cognitive/behavioral therapy is by far the best way to get out of the world of shit you feel like you're in. It sounds pointless at first, but trust me it's different than people make it out to be.
  7. meeko
    Fuck life.

    God can go suck my dick.

    I'd love to vent some more because we three here have some struggles in common. . .

    . . .but alas, too many people from pF and ze have added me on facebook.

    Forever I will vent my struggles through a ruthless and careless online persona.
  8. sajak
    I've been suffered from severe depression for the past several months. I'm 23, no gf, 5th year in a college I hate, working a job where I'm slave driven. I hate everything about my life. I have one friend, maybe two at most. I'm emotionally disconnected from everyone and everything. I've tried finding ways to make myself feel better but have failed. There is this girl i love...but she doesn't love me back. I think my depression is just from me being so lonely all the time. I'll think about something small and just randomly get teary eyed or I'll just cry at night to release the tension. People like me, but I can't seem to like them back. I just push them away, complete antisocial. Three words to describe my life...fuck my life. But I persist and I don't give up. Suicide is something that's floated around but that's a pathetic cowards way out. happiness won't be found in material things. Look for emotional support, evaluate your purpose in life, and find people who are going through the same as you and try to figure out what we all have in common. Ill add more later but Ive been up for almost 24 hours and M really tired. Just dont give up, I havent and that says something for you.
    Korean likes this.