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A Further look into my life

Discussion in Introductions started by [pF]Disturbed_One, Mar 13, 2015

  1. Mar 10, 2014
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    I have grown to love the community, i write this as an insight into who i really am and how i got where i am in life, i look not for pity or sorrow.

    I suppose this all begins when i was 5 years old, that's when my mother walked out on me. I can still see the smile on her face when she told me she would be back soon, i never saw her untill i was 18, but we shall return to this. In her absence i lived with my father and my grandmother till i was around 8 years old. Thats when i met my stepmother Jennifer. Things seemed good at first, then again it always does. Little did i know it was the beginning of my torment. Jen and i never saw eye to eye, there were often times i would say "you just hate me" and she would respond in kind with "i dont hate you, i just really dont like you" in my mind there wasnt much difference, as i grew older jen and my step sister Sarah would plant their undergarments in my room, then "magically" find them shortly later. ever since then i was labeled a sexual Devient in the eyes of my family, and those scars continue to haunt me to this day. My father and my step mother birthed 3 kids, my younger sister Samantha, and my twin brothers Sean and Josh. 3 years after my samantha was born, my step mother decided to further my hell by convincing my father that i sexually molested samantha, i was 9-10 at the time. This cast me out even further, to the point that they locked my door from the outside and put an alarm on if for safe measure, my own family seemed to hate me and there wasnt much i could do, i got into fights with my father, my step mother would hit my, and i even got into a brawl with my step sister sarah at one point. It eventually got to the point to where i could do no right in their eyes. This whole episode decided to repeat itself untill i was in highschool, when i finally couldnt take it anymore and i ran away.

    On the night i left i had gotten into yet another Brawl with my father, i had just gotten out of the shower and i had to fight to get dressed, before getting pushed out the door. My fathers parting words were "If you can clean up your act and not be a threat to this family, then you are welcome home." i responed with "go Fuck yourself ive done nothing wrong, and im never coming back." For 3 years i lived on the streets. Slumming, couch hopping when i could, sleeping on a park bench if all else failed. During my time on the streets i fell into drug use, starting with pot, then drinking, and after a while i just didnt give a fuck. I have either Sold or done, pot, ecstacy, cocaine, heroin, acid, shooms, and even meth, i even went as far as to steal ritalin(another form of adderal basically) from an 8 year old kid so i could sell it to get by. Am i proud of any of this? Fuck no. Do i regret any of this? a little but not much, only with the insight that those fuck ups molded me into the man i am today.

    When i was 18 i finally reconnected with my Mother Jaimie, who has the custody of my other siblings Johnny and Kayla, at first i was blinded by the fact that i had someone that cared about me, and that i finally had someone to love. Turns out it was a huge misplacement of love, My mother turned out to be a tweaker(meth addict), which is when i got into heavy meth use and dealing, yes my meth use came from my own mother. after time passed she began to show her true colors, she was a selfish bitch that didnt deserve custody of the kids, but i digress. My younger brother johnny got mixed up in some gang activities, which rained hell on me and my family. See johnny has a mouth, and likes to run it at all the wrong times, that being said, he was wanted dead, and the ones after him were somewhat ruthless. They attacked me and my family relentlessly, smashing windows, destroying my mothers car, and even shooting up the house. Then i had had enough. Me and a buddy decided to retaliate, which was a mistake. I had gotten a few guns from the guys in the area that actually liked my family and only wanted to help us defend ourselves. The end result of my bravado ended up getting my buddy killed, he took a shot gun to the side of the head, while i was mugged, stripped to my boxers, and beaten as a message. To this day i dont know why they let me live.

    After all of this had taken place i decided to say fuck this. i disconnected from my mentally fucked up family, and the friends i had made along the way and turned over a fresh leaf in a new town. Hooked up with my oldest friend Geoff(jeff) i havent seen since the end of grade school, explained the above, and asked for help. I immediately got a job and saved up some money, little did i know that i had made yet another grave error. While things were great for a year, i had no idea that Geoff was Severely Clinically Depressed, with Bipolar, and a constant need for attention. Well i obviously knew as time went on, but i never comprehended the magnitude untill time wen by, this kid was attatched to my like a fucking dog. always a kiss ass, and always wanting me to entertain him, at first i was cool with it, it was nice to have someone look up to me and always want to be around me. But eventually it went too far, when i would want to do my own thing, or something he didnt want to do, he would shut down and get all depressed. It went so far to where he started bashing his own head into the doorframe trying to break his own skull, gashed it rather nicely, at the time this freaked my out, i didnt know how to handle the situation, luckily his father was home, and hear the struggle as i wrestled him to the floor in an attempt to get him to stop the self destruction. He was sent off to an institution, and i i made arrangments with my grandmother to live with her, which is where i currently reside, trying to yet again make it on my own.

    If you took the time to read this all the way i cannot extend my thanks enough. It means alot to me, and i ask you forgive any typos or grammar mistakes, while a fast learner i never did well in school since all that happened
    • Friendly Friendly x 14
    • Informative Informative x 2
    • Apr 18, 2014
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      Dist, you´re a fucking fighter bro. I know that doesn't mean much but im fucking proud of you.
      • Friendly Friendly x 1
      • Mar 10, 2014
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        The fact that you took the time to read and respond to this means plenty enough killer, thankyou
        • Friendly Friendly x 1
        • Nov 19, 2010
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          Hey man... This may not mean much, but I'm glad you're still a good person!!:beer::beer:
          • Friendly Friendly x 1
          • Mar 10, 2014
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            thanks ben, i do well not to make my mistakes again
          • May 17, 2014
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            Disturbed I never knew that you've been through all this much. Holy shit I can't imagine what I would've done if I were in your shoes. Good luck living with your Grandmother. I wish you the best
            • Friendly Friendly x 3
            • Jan 5, 2014
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              WHAT THE FUCK
              • Agree Agree x 3
              • Mar 10, 2014
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                yea i get that a lot, the thought of that fucks with me the most, ive had few relations ships since i always fear they will instantly think im a creep or some sicko, one day they scars will fade, i wont stop now
                Post Merged, Mar 13, 2015
                its not keeping the relationship thats hard, its starting it i should say

                Post Merged, Mar 13, 2015
                Oh and to explain the real situation, with my little sister. We were playing tag in the living room, i tripped on the rug, and samantha had tackled me, mere seconds after this occurred my step mother walks in and freaks
              • Oct 24, 2013
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                I've known a lot of squatters in my time but you're one of the few that did it out of necessity. Anything past pot and shrooms is a bad time. I've almost been at that point in my life where I've nearly walked out so many times growing up.
                A lot of people are really unaware of how lucky they are just to have parents that like them. I had a past relationship where a girl didn't really have her parents and it was really odd how I basically became one of the only positive male influences in her life.
                My cousin who is a few years older than me got kicked out of the house when he was 18 after my uncle decided he could finally legally kick him out. He became a junky for a while as well as a real hardcore alcoholic, the uncle has always been a big time user. He grew up in Miami and did a ton of blow and then got addicted to crack. Mind you this man also was extremely successful but his problems got worse. His first wife (my aunt) left them both to be a lesbian then went on to have a sex change operation. It's pretty ridiculous what goes on behind closed doors.

                The apple doesn't fall far from the tree is an understatement. People don't realize how much trouble their kids get into when they aren't around and how much their influence or lack of, changes a person's development.

                Even when you have unstable parental models this stuff can happen. I've had guns in my face from bad deals growing up and it's not fun. I've never had anyone die in front of me from bullets but I've felt that fear you get when you bring somebody to the brink of death then all of a sudden you realize, holy shit this guy is going to die if I don't quit. To this day I get really angry when I see a gun pointed at somebody to rob them. My fiance will be laying on my chest sometimes watching a movie and she'll notice I got almost catatonic and really tense if it's some kind of robbery scene. It never happens from seeing war or stuff like that, but if I see somebody getting robbed I get incredibly angry. Sometimes it's so bad I need to go take a walk because all I can think about is when somebody got the best of me those times.
                People that own guns to put them in your face as a cheap and easy way to make you give up your belongings or to prove they're tough, are the biggest pussies around. I've told the story multiple times about the black guy who wanted to shoot me and we ended up fighting. I wasn't even upset when it was happening about the situation we were supposed to be angry about, I was more pissed off he had the nerve to bring out a gun because he was too pussy to take me on hand to hand.

                I hope you can relate to what I told you and it maybe helps. You're not alone out their from being put through hell for what seems like no reason. Sometimes even when you're the nicest guy in the world you get exactly the opposite of what you deserve. If you sit and think about your situation long enough hopefully you'll get to a place where you understand people don't do things so much to be insidious, but to just get what they want. You'll start to realize even the worst of the worst, people like Hitler or child molesters will become understandable to you if you just sit and look at what they probably went through or what influence is going on in their head.
                I haven't mastered that idea yet but I do try to keep it in mind if I find myself becoming unpleasant, that people are just doing the best they can with what they have.
                To really move on from these moments in your life you'll have to just accept you are by yourself in this world, and if you don't look out for number one you will end up wasting your life trying to find things in people that simply are not there.
                I went through a lot last year and didn't really have much hopes of continuing but then I met my fiance who we've both agreed we don't need each other, we just want to be with each other.
                Friendships are give and take, if you are doing all of one side it's not the same thing. Favors need to be reciprocated for favors or you'll just find you're using a bucket to get water out of a sinking boat.
                In the future I hope you can find people who don't take advantage of you or make you forget what you've already learned. Remember your mom who did those things was only self medicating. All people self medicate with whatever they can find that relieves them of whatever paint they feel inside. People who go through mental trauma know that physical pain is nothing compared to mental anguish. Also we have a tendency to become everything we hate so the more bitter you become about this the more it will torture you like a Chinese finger trap. :thumbsup:Good luck with your troubles.
                • Friendly Friendly x 3
                • Dec 27, 2012
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                  Dear Disturbed,

                  You are so fucking strong. To still be one of the nicest guys I've ever met despite all this fucked up shit is god damn amazing. Fuck the people who spreads nothing but lies and fuck the people who believes in them so blindly. They're not worth your time and I am so happy to see that you realised that. I can't imagine what I would've done in your place.

                  I would love to keep on going but things are preventing me from doing so, please if there is something, anything at all, I will always be ears. You are the nicest guy around, allow me to attempt returning that favour. Love you.
                  • Friendly Friendly x 4
                  • Feb 21, 2007
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                    • Like Like x 1
                    • Agree Agree x 1
                    • Feb 27, 2012
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                      Just remember, everything that has happened up to this point is what makes you stronger. If your own family doesn't accept you, forget them. I mean, sure, they're family, but you don't need that kind of toxicity. Just keep strong, and keep on in your journey through life. You didn't get killed by those guys for a reason that night, and it's because your time isn't up, and it's nowhere near over.
                      • Friendly Friendly x 2
                      • Mar 10, 2014
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                        Im at a loss for words guys <3, i cant express how much it means to me that you took the time to read thru all of this
                        • Friendly Friendly x 3
                        • Aug 25, 2009
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                          Wow...well the good thing is, this made you into an extremely strong person. My Respect
                          • Friendly Friendly x 1
                          • Oct 24, 2014
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                            I have absorbed your story and the meaning. I just want you to know one thing, break away from your trouble at home if you want to, if it's a toxic environment where you do not feel you are treated like a human being, get out on your own, don't live with your family. It's acceptable to pay 80% of your income toward rent, but you can do it. It's nice to get away from family if its a toxic environment/holds you back/keeps you from feeling better about yourself. at age 18 or even 16- you are an adult and should gear towards that. Look into the mirror and if you're not happy with what you see, change it. I'm 26 years old and I've been through things too, but remember you need to put forworth determination to succeed for your own happiness.
                          • Mar 10, 2014
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                            Well im 21 now and im doing what i can to make it on my own. Working 40hrs a week and thankful my grandmother is kind enough to help me
                          • Nov 18, 2013
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                            Hmm, this gives me better understanding about you as a person. You definitely have been through hell. Respect :thumbsup:
                          • Mar 10, 2014
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                            i appreciate your respect <3
                          • Jun 17, 2014
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                            After reading that man, It really got to me.
                            You've been through a ALL-OUT BRAWL to hell and back bub.
                            Comming from my "Father Instincts" as a single parent..... I'm MORE THAN PROUD what you've done, who you are, and the Man you became to be.

                            Your life experience took a HELL of alot of patients, Tied right along with mental, physical, and emotional strength. Not everyone that's been in your shoes has made it as far as you have. You have an amazing set of morals & personality as a MAN. And I'm proud and happy to say that we're good friends & I hope it stays that way.
                            - Bapple

                            I'll end with one of my favorite quotes
                            ______________________________________________________________________________________________________

                            “If you catch hell don’t hold it. If you’re going through hell, don’t stop. Here’s what you do: You go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Don’t stop.” - Ron Kenoly
                            • Winner Winner x 1
                            • Feb 21, 2007
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                              I posted a theme song for you, I hope you liked it. Got me thru rough times :smile:
                              • Agree Agree x 1