Just some boring introduction and a bit of what I've been through, kinda in-depth I guess. I've felt like shit the whole day, and really really really don't want to talk about this to anyone. In the end, it seems like I can't keep this all on my own so I'm going to share a piece of my life with the community I love. I just wanted to mention that I'm not seeking sympathy. The purpose of this thread is to keep myself sane, and to let my emotions come out properly..Please understand that. I'm a guy in my(not very)best years. I've gone through a lot these past years, resulting in me isolating myself from everyone. Because of this, I've become pessimistic, gloomy and anti-social. I don't want to be like this. But I am, and somehow managed to live like this so far. I met my first love in highschool, of all possible places. She was bullied, so I stood up to her the best I could. I never confessed to her, because she had way too much shit to think about. All I could offer were words of comfort for the time being. She killed herself. Two years later. My dad turned 50 and my step-mom organized a big party. A party for relatives and friends, there were more than 100 people coming over to our house. There were a lot of people I hadn't met since I was a kid, so I was really excited. Almost all people had arrived. Someone called Dad about the remaining guests. His mom, my grandmother, died that day due to a heartattack. She died on her sons birthday. I had a BFF(best friend forever)named Sebastian, swedish name. He and I were friends since we were really, really small. We were childhood friends, with other words. When we grew older, his parents separated to a city far away from here, so we couldn't talk to each other as much as before. We did talk in skype and facebook, however. Around 7 months ago, he killed himself. And now I'm on the verge of death, too. I've been diagnosed with Severe Depression. I've taken tests, medicines and also taken part in social activities. I've also visited psychologists, without success. I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time, and there has been occassions where I've been trying to kill myself. ..I've lost hope in everything there is. I have lost the motivation to live. I don't fear death and don't care if I would suddenly die. I don't want to feel nor be like this, but I do and am. ..Gaming, Anime and Music. Those are my only interests/hobbies. I'm going to bed now..Take care every single one of you. Don't be afraid to tell the people you care about how much you love them, because you never know when or if you'll meet them again. There's no shame in giving daddy hugs or giving mommy kisses..It's one of the best ways to show them how much you appreciate your life and theirs. Special thanks to Detonator who were the only one who knew(partly)about this and tried to cheer me up.