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Bella - What Really Happened To Me...

Discussion in Everything & Anything started by Bella, Oct 12, 2014

  1. Nov 14, 2010
    A lot of you may or may not have wondered where I went, and why I just disappeared. Well, it's not simple; that's for sure. By the end of reading this, if you even make it to the end, you will probably end up hating me forever, and not give a damn what happens to me. It's just something that I'd like to get off my chest, since it's already been, what... Over 1 year now? Maybe 2? Welp, here it goes.

    -The Truth-
    Xiabella Yung, despite what I have told you, is not a real person - (Go figure, with a name like that). Absolutely everything I have told you about myself has been falsified. Originally, this was to protect myself from revealing who I really was, and cyber-bullying (Which has happened several times in the past). I thought... If I could just create this person, this Bella, people would treat me differently. And for 3 years, it has worked. It was like putting on a mask-having confidence to face anyone and anything.

    I'm sorry for misleading you all, and I'm sorry for creating our friendships out of lies. It's useless to ask for forgiveness because of how Catfish & Creepy this all is, looking from the outside. You're probably thinking, what kind of sick person would hold this persona for 3 years!? I've wasted everyone's time building a relationships and such, and for that, I am deeply apologetic.

    -Reason for Leaving-
    I left because I didn't want to keep this crazy charade going on any longer. I didn't like wearing that mask anymore. I wanted to be me, exactly the way I was born. So I moved on to another community, where I can be myself. No more lies. No more Bella. Just me. The reason I pop by rarely is because I've been meaning to write this thread to give you all a bit of understanding as to what has happened to Bella. I've finally found the courage to do it. Again... I am very sorry.

    -Why Didn't You Tell Us Sooner?-
    I didn't tell you all the truth sooner, because I was scared. I had too many dramatic ties to the idea of Bella, that it would just be messed up to tell you all out of the blue who I was, and that everything I said was a lie.

    -Anything Else?-
    Sorry I was such a bitch, but that came with the confidence mask. It's not who I really am at all. In-fact, I can be quite the opposite. Also, thank you all for being so nice to me most of the time. PF really was somewhat of a family for me, in a sense. I often wish I could start over as myself, and introduce you all to the real me... It's too late for that now.

    I'll pop in every now and then to answer any remaining questions for those of you that are curious. Get some closure on this whole thing. Hate mail is expected too, and I don't blame you... I'd be pretty mad at me too if I were you.

    Sincerest Apologies,
    -Not Bella
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    • Sep 22, 2010
      Okay well, welcome back first off (who do you refer to yourself now?)
      Two: man... we get a lot of this anyway.
      Three: That is quite a pessimistic outlook and many people here has gotta stop that.

      Edit: douchebag hue
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      • Feb 21, 2007
        Its the internet. Only you decide how much or how little information people can know about you. Personally, I don't feel a need to create a false identity to live behind. Its unfortunate that yo felt it was necessary. I could care less. But I suppose its good to hear you quit creating false identities.
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        • Jul 20, 2010
          Well hope it works out for you in the end, some people might be mad after reading your post which is understandable to a point. But I can understand why you'd make a persona to shield yourself from potential threats and bullying, in this day and age people can be pretty nasty with each other. I can't fault you for looking out for yourself making sure you had a wall to hide behind for when things got bad, were all human its natural to want to protect yourself and not want to be judged based on who you are. Humans are very judgmental creatures by nature.

          It sounds like you're happy with being your true self in the other community and when it boils down to everything that's what really matters, your happiness. Maybe moving forward you can continue to be your true self when you join new communities or meet new people while gaming and not be scared of what people think of you because of how you act, think, talk and look a certain way. It sounds like you've made progress by shedding your Bella persona and that's a step in the right direction. Don't hide who you really are for fear of being judged or shunned, be proud in who you are and they'll be people out there that will like you for who you are.

          Some people will be mad and they have every reason to be, but hey who knows maybe they'll forgive you.
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          • Mar 8, 2013
            so do you have a vagina or what
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            • Feb 25, 2014
              Just be yourself, don't let other people ruin your life. Even if it is internet you should be aloud to do whatever you want for whatever reason it may be. Anyway welcome back, I just hope you are not the boogy man.
            • Jan 21, 2011
              I miss you <3

            • Sep 14, 2008
              :frown: I miss you lots and I don't give a shit who you are. But I would like the name you go by :smile:
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              • Feb 2, 2014
                I don't know you, and i don't think i ever played with you on pf servers. You may not want strangers to post on your thread or you just don't care about them. Sorry, but i'll post because i'm stubborn.
                I was just wondering what was the point of pretending to be someone else... As Retslag stated, you're free to share or not personal informations. You can keep everything private, no need to lie to please people.
                I mean as far as i know Plaguefest is a gaming community, there is no cyber-bullying here...(or it's just me being blind and too ignorant) Correct me if i'm wrong. And even if Pf isn't lacking of "white knights", people don't like you more because you're a girl. Just so you know. Honestly.
                I don't think it's too late. It never is. You came back to apologize, and you had the guts to tell everybody the truth. I can't tell if the friends you've made here will forgive you though. And it's none of my business anyways.

                Don't give up on Pf community. You seem to be an interesting person. You can re-introduce yourself. No need to disappear. Though, if you found another gaming community you're comfortable with, then i wish you nothing but the best.

                Once again, sorry for not staying out of this thread. - a stranger.
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                • Mar 31, 2010
                  (Bella), we all mistakes in life, but what really matters to me is how you are as a person. You never did anything to try and hurt someone. Instead you were always welcoming, and you were very kind to others (including me), and I really appreciate that, and I'm sure others appreciate your kindness too. What we do to hide ourselves/to mask ourselves is a self-confidence issue. I'm really happy you were strong enough to come out here and get this off your chest. I can imagine how it must feel to want to come out and reveal your true self while being afraid of the outcome.

                  I'm happy to hear you're doing well elsewhere. I just hope you don't beat yourself too much with this, because you're only human. Everyone's different and unique in this world. Not everyone is made to be completely honest, respectful, classy, selfless, wonderful, positive, amazing, perfect, etc. A lot of us are afraid, and it's through our fears that we create a mask. Whether that mask is to make us feel better about ourselves or it is to please others (by being someone we’re not), this is not uncommon. Sure, it's a downright sign of weakness, but if you can admit to it and at least try to get out of it: that's a sign of strength. It's hard to go from weakness to strength, just like it’s hard to get on a diet, or to quit smoking... That's why strong people don't understand weak people too much. They don't understand how and why people can be weak… why they can't do things the "right" way or say things the way they should be said, or even do things the honest way. I'm not saying that weak people are bad people, they're just limited to doing what they feel they're capable of, and as for the rest: they fake through it one way or another. And weakness is not a disease, it’s an accumulation of sorts that make us afraid or brings us back to a worse place and through this we are afraid of moving forward. We’ll do everything to not get on that “ride”. We’ll cry, we’ll scream, we’ll lie, and we’ll do everything to prevent from taking that risk. And sometimes people get way too accustomed by their weaknesses that it becomes a habit, a life style. Do you know just how many people give up on school, on getting a job, on finding a significant other, on LIFE? I know this does not really apply to you, but it’s to give you that “vision” of what weakness is and does, and that what you’ve done here by making a thread to come clean isn’t something you should be ashamed of or afraid of.

                  Nobody's perfect (Bella). You have a legitimate reason to being the way you are. The internet is plagued with people equipped with masks. Some try to be tough, some try to be cool, some try to be positive, some go looking for attention, and truth be told: most wish they were different for the better. The only difference with online and in real life is that nobody's really there: nobody’s visible. You can’t call a bluff as easily. It’s an easy mask. Maybe some act the same way online as they do in real life, but you can't ever tell how a person is by simply judging the way they are perceived. I have some great online friends who have come clean to me about their lives, and what they wish was different. You would never believe such optimistic and fun people would be sort-of very quiet, distant, and sad people in real life, and this is not by choice either. When I was a dance teacher/counsellor at the dance school, I had the same thing happen when students came to me to talk to me about their problems. They had a mask in the studio that nobody could see through. But they were hurting a lot inside. Everybody needs a “friend/psychologist/or in this case community” to talk to eventually. People wish they could be someone they’re not, and that someone doesn’t mean it’s the perfect example for everyone. Whether physical, mental, or emotional: we all have our own opinions. I have a friend who has curly hair and wishes her hair was straight. Another has straight hair and wishes it was curly. I may find “x” woman beautiful and my friends will say something stupid like “she’s a 6”. Some people were laughing their asses off at the premiere of Top Five (the new Chris Rock movie), I didn’t find it funny at all. It doesn’t mean I’m right and they’re wrong, or that they’re right and I’m wrong – even if the majority of people freaking loved the movie.

                  It all comes down to confidence and how you deal with it. I, for one, exude confidence in real life -- but that's because I have my own company and have always worked with the public (I was a marketing rep for Paramount Pictures and a dance teacher for over 4-5 years. Now I’m a businessman and I travel and meet people) -- meanwhile online I'm a completely different person. If I told you how I am in real life, and how I am online, you'd maybe get a better picture of what I'm trying to explain... And I quite frankly don’t care if people know about me and my life anymore. I’m doing this to offer a vision, to help out whoever that can benefit from reading this message…

                  Now, I lack confidence due to my weight. I just lost the company of someone close to me: my ex, who, as much of a great and beautiful person she is, was simply poison for me (we had VERY different outlooks in life and ways of dealing with stuff). I lost most of my close friends (I was working, working, working, seeing my ex -- all this happening in over a year and a half -- my friends got fed up, with reason, and walked out of my life). I don't have school or a degree, and work is very hit-and-miss as of late. I have a confidence mask, because I still go to ballroom dance, and attend film premieres everywhere, and network with a bunch of people including VIPs. But the real me is scared. I'm scared of my every move. I'm scared at work that I won't get anywhere or that I make a big mistake that'll cost a lot of time/money/etc, I'm scared at dance because I'm always afraid what others might think of me with the way I look (maybe this is more evident than I try to fake a confidence mask with, because some people just "know" I don't feel right in my shoes), I'm scared with everything. But my main issue is I get discouraged REALLY fast. I mean, it's messed up how quickly I'll just drop down and think the worst of everything. All it takes is a single trigger and POOF.

                  Anyway, I've been managing all that by myself -- you know they say: "You make your own happiness" and it's really true. Even though I've heard plenty of times from plenty of different people, I just needed a real kick to truly understand it and actually believe it. And as much as we're spoon-fed answers that we KNOW is the truth, we need to experience it on our own. We have to fall down on our own, to get back up and get stronger. There's no other way unfortunately, for "weaker" people. I see my brother, he's so confident, he's so hard-headed too -- but the willpower he has, it’s incredible. He'll see something off and he'll fix it right away. He looks at me and says "Hey (Conker), you're getting really big, you gotta lose weight man", and I'll be all "yeah, yeah I know... I'm gonna start my diet" and then I go eat a chocolate some moments later and say “Tomorrow I’ll start” which is never the case LOL, whereas he once had to lose 15 pounds and he was like "yup, doing this shit" and he did it! For him everything is easy: it's all psychological. He doesn't understand weakness. He judges a lot because of it... I mean…he's been through a LOT and yet he's such a strong person and I'm not? He had cancer, with two major operations, chemo, etc.. I didn't have that. He had to have braces in his teeth, I didn't. He has bad eye sight and needs glasses, I don't. He's not as easy-going in public as I am, he's not as quick a learner with physical things as I am (I was such a fast learner for dance, sports, etc). Yet, he's so positive and so strong, and I'm not? It's all psychological. And you need to learn things your own way. Everything must be customized for you, for you to fully understand and break-through.

                  I'm sorry I wrote a novel up there, but I hope you can get an understanding through my experiences, that regardless of the fact if you think you've betrayed others, and had to put a mask on, and were somebody you were not: I'm trying to give you a full picture of how so many others are so very similar to you while so different in many other ways, and how I know it's not out of malice, but rather a sign of weakness. Coming out and being honest, and trying to get better: now that's a step towards the right direction. You may fall back, you may apologize again -- even if in life I’ve realized people don't like hearing the word "sorry" -- do whatever you feel is right for you, and just work towards your goal. If that goal is to be confident about yourself, by all means: work towards it. Don't look back, don't focus on "what if's" and "I should have's", focus on helping yourself realizing what it is you want, and focus on those who care about you. They matter.

                  To me, you are most welcomed to join in the servers and have some fun. I won't talk to you any differently. I won't act different. To me, you are and have always been a good person, and I understand that apologizing means you are remorseful, and that you feel you may have also thrown pride out the window at this point, but just be you. And even if you're not you, just be good. You’re not obliged to give yourself away to anyone. Nobody needs to know who you are. And whoever that person you try to be, as long as there’s nothing hurtful that comes with it, it shouldn’t matter to others. To me, I love gaming because I’m a completely different person. It’s my way of coming out and feeling free to be whoever I want to be. Today, with Facebook and cellular phones, and Instagram, etc: everybody’s private lives are exposed. There is reason to be cautious. But there is also reason to be imaginative. Be who you wanna be for you is what I’m saying. If it makes you happy, and it’s not hurting anyone: go for it. Because eventually you'll come out and show your true good colors to the people who matter, and there's nothing more to that. They’ll accept you and love you either way. And if you’re not happy, and this is the result (your original post), then relieve yourself and carry on, but just don’t hit yourself over this.
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                    Conker, Oct 12, 2014 Last edited by Conker, Oct 12, 2014
                  • Nov 11, 2011
                    Bella is a nickname. Who gives a shit what you call yourself? I'm not really understanding what the issue is here... You didn't want your real name revealed just like most people online and wanted anonymity. Good on you.

                    PS. We never finished outland. :wink:
                    PPS. No one can view your profile to leave a comment on your status lol.
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                    • Dec 17, 2007
                      ORANGE THE LAST TANGERINE is a real person and my real name and i don't care what anyone says, I'm a dick on the internet as i am in real life. But then again i really didn't live in reality, until I quit drinking, now i'm seeing what reality is really like and it absolutely blows. I think i'm gonna build my own space ship and go some where else, or maybe just a robotic woman and live in an alternate reality.
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                      • May 31, 2012
                        I'll keep this short: I'm one of the haters.

                        I could honestly care less if you were lying about your identity. You became the very thing you were trying to evade: a cyber-bully. When you disagreed against my brother regarding an issue, you harassed him outside of the game and public forums by sending him extremely rude/insulting Private Messages and Steam Messages. For unknown political reasons, you work was praised. That very thread you made to "challenge" my brother sparked some little flames, which have been slowly growing throughout the years.
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                        • Dec 27, 2013
                          ahahahahahah this is sad,
                          all i can say to this is welcome to the internet o0
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                          • Jul 1, 2010
                            I'm not really seeing anything to forgive. Our past experiences impact every one of us all of the time, and you did what you felt you needed to do.

                            I think a lot of us would like to get to know the real you if you ever decide to let us. This isn't the type of community to be angry or to hate someone over something like this. You will always be welcome back if you so choose, and I certainly hope that you do come back.

                            I wish you the best of luck in your other community and any other you may join.

                            (sorry, I edited this a lot.. it may seem a little discombobulated >.>)
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                            • Jun 10, 2011
                              As for me, idgaf what your name is (srsly, who still believes Kyle's name is Kyle?), I loved the person I talked to, and I still do. I miss you muchly and wish you were better at keeping in contact <3
                            • Feb 24, 2011
                              I'll still refer to you as a succubus if it's alright.
                              I also miss getting my ass reamed in Quake. :shame:
                            • Oct 29, 2010
                              Naaaaah, you're Bella.

                              Hope you stop in more often.
                            • Jun 27, 2011
                              I could never justify being mad at somebody who's secretive online...
                              It's a shame you felt that you had to hide. A fake name isn't that big a thing, but hopefully the rest of this persona of yours wasn't too different from the real you. Bella was always fun to play with.
                              Thanks for the update too, it's nice to hear about people making things right for themselves. Maybe you could still come back as the real you.

                              P.S. If you find yourself needing more incomplete models for a map just let me know. :razz:
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                              • Feb 1, 2011
                                Good to see ya Bella! No hard feelings of course, should come hang out with us :grin: