TL;DR- I QUIT, FUCK IT DUDE LET'S GO SURF AND LEARN STUFF! I'm not admin anymore and the 30ish seconds I spent on the server not being one was miserable. You won't see me on the server for a while and maybe not in game either. I've given myself a few goals to achieve before I bite the dust which I sometimes feel is a little too soon and at times not soon enough. I think I have been here as an admin for almost a year? I'm not sure but I thought I read on my paypal statement I had paid for 10 months or times. Lately I have started drawing again which I've really enjoyed. I've been through a lot of stuff in the past couple years and really all my life too. It's one of the things that has started to bring me a little hope for change. I used to be a very good artist and would have a model stand in front of me for 3 hours every week. My whole life, art has been pretty important. I never took it too serious though until I went to college and took some courses and really stood out from my other classmates. That's the first time I ever had a real lesson in drawing. Like I started to say art has been therapeutic for me and has brought some positivity to my life recently. I go through a lot of mood swings brought on by lots of anxiety constantly. It's part of a thing called mania I go through as somebody who is bipolar (type 1). I didn't really have clear evidence of what made me the way I am because I always knew there was something different until I had finally had my biggest breakdown ever. I decided that night I needed to go take care of my problems and address it which happened earlier this year. The past year before it my thoughts had become extremely obscure and I was absorbing information at a very rapid pace. I never took too much notice of events like this before as a child because I was less aware of myself and nothing to contrast my behavior with. Though now that I am older I remember patterns like this happening. The "fits" of mania I go through can last at a very high intensity for minutes to months. It's a sensation that I think you gamers could relate to your pc's becoming overclocked, at least that's how I describe it to people. The problem with overclocking your computer though and everybody knows this that it's going to limit performance in the future or possibly damage things. I go through this exact thing. I literally find it impossible to sleep unless I have totally exhausted myself physically and mentally. You probably noticed my extreme drug and alcohol use. I joke about it all the time but it's not exactly a funny thing to people in my life. The reason things don't bother me is that part of my condition and more so when I'm "manic" is that I drive myself to excess. Everything I do is a challenge or a race, which is why I have anxiety all the time. To understand the feeling imagine running the hardest lap you ever ran where you almost blacked out and constantly being ready for "possible" incidents 24/7. It has led me to achieve incredible things that a lot of people would find trouble doing. I somehow have an ability to completely ignore pain or fear of danger. The things that bother me are miniscule to other people but the major problems that make you stress wouldn't phase me. I've done so many insane illegal things in my life that could have ended in a death with no sweat. I almost died today fish tailing in a flash storm going 75 today through a dip in the road with about 3-4 inches of water. The only things that come to my mind when I go through those events is damage to my car in monetary value or the annoyance that I could lose my legs, which means I couldn't fuck anymore or do other physical things less important. I've spun out going 95 on a highway, did 3x360's and stopped myself a foot before an overpass guardrail. The reason that happened was I tried to do a pit maneuver on somebody for cutting me off. It was an event close to my peak of breakdown. That didn't bother me one bit, I just backed up and drove home. No second thoughts. Doing things like this really sound stupid to people and they are. I define the word stupid or ignorance by a shortsighted action with disregard for future problems. I've constantly wanted to be stupid. That way I wouldn't have to be thinking all the time or get upset constantly by seeing only the problems with things in the world. The way people treat each other, the way I treat other people, even when I know better, we all do. This goes back to my drug use. I constantly dull my brain and body to feel completely nothing and to think nothing complex. The stuff I put into my body at times in the combinations are the exact combinations that occasionally kill "movie stars". I can drink 151 or 80% alcohol by volume liquor like water, then follow it up with weed, pills and some melatonin just to sleep for four hours. I did that for about 5 months all while working 50-60 hours a week of construction work. At the moment it seems like it's all really catching up with me as my chest has begun hurting (yesterday I went to a cardiologist to get the ball rolling). I quit drinking about a week ago because of those pains and after watching a surfing documentary. It reminded me of my previous life surfing all the time and having fun. I used to be able to have dreams when I slept. I haven't had more than maybe 1 or 2 dreams in my past 2 years. The documentary though really inspired me to go back to using my extreme behavior and energy for something positive. Seeing people ride giant waves made me want to go back to pushing my limits as hard as possible. In my younger days I used to be a distance swimmer and could swim 200 yards in 1minute 50 seconds, and 1 mile in about 16~ minutes. Being a swimmer made going into hurricane swells at the age of 14 a breeze, along with fearing nothing. There have been times when I was just a child out surfing 15 foot waves on a pier during a hurricane and grown men wouldn't even try to paddle out, even the pro locals. Now I have a new dream of surfing. I am going to work my way back to being as good as I was before and eventually make it to surfing giants. I want to catch 30-50 foot waves and then finance myself enough to get a rig to take me out to the middle of the ocean for the 100+ waves that people go out there for. For me it's not going to be an issue of fear but failure. I don't like to lose and I don't like failing at things. Sharks are nothing to me as I've accidentally paddled on top of one, punched some and run them over before. On top of that I have a goal of first achieving my EET then using that to pay for my living in a part time job as I finish my biology degree and then go on to get a Ph.D in Mycology. I don't think it's going to be an easy victory but I think I can do it. I've given myself a year to really see some major change in my life and see some progress on that stuff. Fortunately for me I can make extreme changes quickly and when I'm sober I have a close to "photographic" memory which makes memorization of textbooks pretty easy. The problem is I haven't been sober in a long time but if I'm to go completely clean I need to fix my back problems. If you read all of that and didn't understand something just ask. I'm a pretty honest person and I don't have anything I really would be too scared to hide. -Grape TL;DR- I QUIT, FUCK IT DUDE LET'S GO SURF AND LEARN STUFF!