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Here it finally is. Plaguefest: The Novel.

Discussion in Everything & Anything started by Kitten Jedi, Mar 15, 2012

  1. Feb 23, 2012
    Chapter 1 - That Tony

    “Hey, uh, Tony?”

    Silence was the reply.

    “How’s it goin', buddy?” Kitten tried again.

    Still no reply.

    “So yeah, Tony, I know you’ve prob'ly got all kinds of knowledge under that mask, but you’ve been sittin’ here for like two hours straight now, and the zambies are just gettin’ closer and closer all the time. In fact, holy fuckin’ shit, that’s the sound of ‘em right now.”

    As Kitten finished his words, the moans and screams of zombies began to flow into the dark valley like a fog. Lots of raaaauughs mixed with aaaauuughs. The sound of a twisted, decomposed throat trying to produce word.

    It was like a zombie chorus.

    You always heard them before you saw them.

    “Anyways!” Kitten tried picking up the conversation again. “Me and the boys were thinkin’, hey, it’s cool, maybe you don’t remember which one of these 3 paths gets us through Moria! It could happen to anyone, right!”

    Tony’s only reply was to blink once, although it looked like a wink to Kitten because Tony’s other eye was covered by the giant mop of chestnut-colored hair that only badasses have because they are way too busy being a badass to have time for some stupid haircut.

    “So anyways, me and the boys were all thinkin’, let’s just flip a damn coin! Right? What’s the worst that could happen? Even if we head down the wrong path, that’s still somewhere, right? Anywhere but here!”

    Tony lifted a finger and scratched the spot behind his ear, then placed his fingerless-gloved fingertips together and continued to stare intently at the 3 doors before them. Didn’t even move his pitch-black eyes in Kitten’s direction.

    “Okay, yeah. I’ll come back later.”

    Kitten wandered away from Tony and back to the barricade.

    There were twenty survivors remaining. Or as Apollo referred to them, twenty ‘liabilities’ remaining. They’d started out with over fifty.

    “So what’d he say?” asked Wisen. “Good idea?”

    “He said to shut up and let him do the smart parts, dipshit,” replied Kitten.

    “Tony said all that?”

    “That was the gist of it.”

    No one in the crew had ever heard Tony Speak even once. Some of them claimed to have chatted with him personally mono e mono – although each person tended to have wildly differing accounts of his personality, and also that they talked to Tony while no one else was looking.

    “The zombies are right there though!” replied SubDelt, his rifle pointed down the path. “They’re on our front fuckin’ porch! We gotta get out of here!”

    “Don’t be such a pussy-wussy,” replied Big Q. “And gimme a drag off that.”

    Big Q pulled the cigarette out of SubDelt’s lips and immediately sucked a few tobacco fumes into his lungs.

    “That’s my last one asshole!” SubDelt tried to snatch it back.

    “Can’t you just make more?”

    “It takes awhile to roll them!”

    “Oh shit, here they come! ZAMBIES!”


    They made such horrible noises. So horrible. The haunting call of a dead human being that wants to drag others down to it’s level. There were at least forty of the horrible wretched beasts, screaming and snarling their way down the path, knocking each other out of the way in their frenzy to get to the fleshy things and tear them apart.


    Such horrid moans.

    They haunted Kitten’s dreams.

    “Let ‘em have it, boys!” commanded Big Q.

    The valley lit up like a fireworks show as twenty rifles opened fire simultaneously. A torrent of lead smashed against the zombie wave, halting the momentum of the horde. The tidal wave of undead monsters almost turned back the other way as bullet after bullet nailed them in the knee, the head, the stomach, the eye. For a moment, it seemed as though they actually had a chance against the coming zombocalypse.

    But then they had to reload.

    And the zombies charged forward to the barricade once again, just paces away.

    They would have time for one more reload.

    Big Q took one last drag on his stolen cigarette, then tossed it back in SubDelt’s general direction. Kitten made eye contact with him as he exhaled the smoke into the foggy Moria night.

    They both pumped the shotguns in their hands, then clapped the barrels together like a high five.

    “Let’s do it, Q.”

    “Just don’t get in my way.”

    Screaming a synchronized cry of FUUUUCK YOUUUU ZAMBIEEES, the pair of them leaped over the barricade and waded into the battle with their shotguns blasting away. Zombie teeth flew through the air as the buckshot tore through their rotten flesh. The front of the zombie herd scattered and ran from the onslaught, two of them falling down for good as the rifles and shotguns forced them back.

    But then, click click.

    “Shit!” said Kitten, his voice difficult to hear over the hail of gunfire from their teammates. “I’m out, let’s go back!”

    “In a second!” said Big Q, who’s smile was so big it made Kitten think he was getting a boner from the moment. “I’m never leave first!”

    And that was just fine with Kitten. He high-tailed it out of the danger zone and leapt back over the barricade to hastily reload shells into his empty shotgun.

    Big Q emptied two more rounds of buckshot into some zombie faces, then turned and ran back up the path behind Kitten.

    “I can’t believe you guys didn’t shoot me by accident while I was down there!” said Big Q as he tossed his empty shotgun over the barricade and hoisted himself onto the other side.

    “Neither can we,” replied Noir, his left eyebrow furrowing in confusion.

    “Hey, hey you guys, Tony’s goin!”

    Their heads snapped back toward the 3 doors.

    Tony was indeed jogging down the path to the middle door.

    “Shit, let’s bolt!”

    The entire crew immediately abandoned the barricade. Rule number one of surviving the zombies: those who stay behind, get left behind. You’re only responsibility in the zombie world was to yourself. Kitten never got that memo.

    “Fuck! Fucking Tony!” he hissed, as he wasn’t quite as ready to run as everyone else and ended up stumbling through the mud to try and catch up.
    However, in his clumsy haste, the strap on his shotgun got snagged on a piece of the barricade, and as he tried to run, the strap yanked him cartoonishly backward and practically made him do a backflip into the mud.

    “ Kitten, come on!” shouted Big Q, blasting a couple of zombies off the barricade as they tried to climb over.

    “My shotgun!” he cried, trying to free it from the barricade.

    He tugged so hard his hands burned from the grip, but the strap was wedged in between two pieces of wood.

    A zombie arm flashed over the barricade just inches from Kitten’s face, swiping so fast and hard it snagged a piece of his hair and yanked it out, causing him to squeal girlishly. He ran.

    “Hurry up, Kitten! You’re not gonna make it!” said Big Q, guarding the middle door for him.

    The zombies were closing in now, completely overwhelming the barricade and forming a crescent toward Kitten as he ran toward the door.

    “Fuck!” was all Kitten could think of to say at the moment. The zombies on the right were too close. If he went to the middle, they’d get him for sure, but if he went to the door on the left, he could at least split up the zombies and have half a chance.

    “Just go!” shouted Kitten, diving for the left door. “I’ll catch up later!”

    Big Q shook his head sadly, then turned tail and ran as the zombies swarmed in on him. Nobody had ever ‘caught up.’

    stay tuned for chapter 2 and the return of an old friend
    • Winner Winner x 5
    • Like Like x 3
    • Nov 29, 2010

      My initial reaction, but as I read, I found this story quite entertaining.
    • Jun 4, 2006
      Glorious. ZE players will appreciate this I'm sure.

      Nice first post. Welcome to the forums!
      • Winner Winner x 1
      • Feb 24, 2011
        A masterpiece, keep it up!
      • May 27, 2008
      • Jan 28, 2012
      • Jan 12, 2012
        If i see no holy stormy beacon i rage quit.org
      • Mar 19, 2011
        And you are?? :sarcastic:
      • Feb 24, 2011
        Don't worry Stormz, i got you covered on that part!
      • Jul 4, 2011
        Hahaha, oh wow, nice one. :clap:I rarely buy shotguns though, P90 is my weapon of choice in ZE. Looking forward to part 2. :thumbsup:
      • Jan 12, 2012
        now that's just rude -.-
      • Oct 27, 2010
        That. Was. Adorable. :razz:

        Welcome to the forums!
      • Dec 6, 2011
        Only ZE players should get this.

        Tony part written perfectly.

        “He said to shut up and let him do the smart parts, dipshit,” replied Kitten.

        “Tony said all that?”

        “That was the gist of it.”

        Yep, definitely Tony right here.
      • May 15, 2011
        That was great. XD I hope you make more.

        Also, welcome to the forums. ^^
      • Dec 6, 2011
        Wait, isn't/wasn't Kitten Jedi a donator...? Why would he be new to pF forums O.O
        • Informative Informative x 1
        • Feb 20, 2011
          Were it truly ZE, there would be about 4 rifles firing, and 16 players rubbing their crotches against the door :wink:

          Also where's the part where McKay grabs 2 rifles, firing them simultaneously whilst shouting "I'M A LEAD FARMER MOTHERFUCKERS!!"
        • Jan 12, 2012
          Yell I believe they mean by his 1 post. There Implying that he's new If you catch that drift
        • Dec 6, 2011
          Join date less than a month ago, and his group is "member". That's odd, I swear he's been a donator for a while now.
        • Jan 12, 2012
          I'm donor as well i'm just to lazy to ask for the Tag Probs the same for kitten